This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
