my phone needs a breathalizer
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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