You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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