My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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