I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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