I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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