i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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