I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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