This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
