i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My penis needs a shock collar
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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