I want to have your abortion
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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