i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
