The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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