Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
