i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
