oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
