She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
