and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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