I met the friendliest cop last night
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
