why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
