I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
