I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
