I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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