I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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