Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
