she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
