how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Can you bring me the toilet please
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize