She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
