I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
