its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
