I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
