I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
