So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize