I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
