Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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