So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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