there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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