That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
