I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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