Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
