i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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