one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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