so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
They took my balls.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
