Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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