I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize