Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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