I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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