I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
