Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
