Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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