i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
