Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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