we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
