So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
