i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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