i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
