My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
