My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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