ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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